FORGIVENESS
by © cloud9999
FIVE STEPS TO FORGIVENESS — by Catherine Morgan
When we are angry at people in are life. When we aren’t talking to people in our life. When we hate people in our life. When we are doing these things, we are weakening ourselves, we are hurting ourselves, we are hating ourselves. That is because, when we don’t forgive, we are allowing our heart to be weighed down with negativity. But, we already know that. So why do we do it? Why don’t we forgive?
My theory is; that we really don’t know how to forgive. I mean, saying you “forgive” someone, isn’t really “forgiving” them, is it? What if there were actually steps you could take to forgive? Kind of a “12 step” program for forgiveness, only with less steps. See if this works for you. Because, when you forgive someone, you are pushing anger out of your heart and making more room for love to get in, and love is what really matters.
STEP ONE: WHY ARE YOU ANGRY AT THIS PERSON? You would not believe how many people are angry about something and don’t even remember why. So get a piece of paper out and write down why you are mad at this person. It may be one thing, or it may be a whole list. Just write it all down.
STEP TWO: THE GOOD THINGS. On another piece of paper write down all the good things this person has done for you over the years. (ie: If it’s your mother; she gave birth to you, that’s a pretty big one.) Did this person ever make you happy? Do anything nice for you? Make you smile or laugh? Be a good friend? Help you out of a jam? If so, write it down….all of it. This could be a long list or a short list, just make sure you make it an “honest” list.
STEP THREE: HOW DID I CONTRIBUTE TO THIS? On a third piece of paper write any way you may have contributed to the conflict. Be honest with yourself. It doesn’t help to think that you are totally without any responsibility in the situation, even if it is just a tiny bit. Write it down.
STEP FOUR: CONTEMPLATE. With all three papers in front of you, take some time to really think how important this person is to you. Are they someone you wish was still in your life? Is it someone that you could never feel good having in your life anymore. Are they family? Ex? Depending on “who” they are to you, will depend on what type of relationship you choose to have with this person after you forgive them. Remember, you are forgiving this person for yourself, not for them. So, if you think it is better for you not to see this person, then so be it. You may decide that for the sake of your children or your family it would be better to allow this person back into your life. Or, you might realize you have been miserable without this person in your life and want them back.
What ever the case is, spend a significant amount of time thinking about it. You have probably spent a significant amount of time being angry, so a little extra time trying to figure out what is in your best interest regarding this person won’t hurt.
You may want to stay on this step for more than just a day. Maybe a week. Or more. It doesn’t matter how long you are on this step. Just put the papers in a place you can review them. You might even want to do these steps with someone else in your life. If forgiving hasn’t been your “thing”, you may have a lot of people to do this exercise with. That’s OK, don’t be hard on yourself, just take the time and do the work, and in the end you are the one that will benefit.
When you are ready continue to Step Five. No rush.
STEP FIVE: FORGIVE. Forgiving doesn’t mean “forgetting”, a lot of people don’t quite understand that. We are not computers, we can’t just hit the delete button and erase our past history. Although, at times many of us wish we could, (me included). We are talking about forgiveness, so you can forgive and let the anger go (for your own sake and sanity), remembering is o.k. though. Remembering might even prove to be quite helpful. You may find yourself in a similar situation one day, and remembering might help you choose your reaction differently than you had before this happened. This is where the saying “learn from you mistakes” came from. It’s not a judgment on your behavior, just a reminder that you handled something one way and it didn’t turn out quite the way your would have wanted. So the next time, you might do something much differently based on your increased understanding.
So, to get back to the final step, STEP FIVE. Now that you have all the information in front of you, and you have given it all quite a bit of thought, and figured out what is in YOUR best interest. Now it’s time to FORGIVE. LET IT GO. LET GO OF THE ANGER. LET GO OF THE PAIN. Let go of allowing this to keep putting negative thoughts in your head. You need that room for positive, healthy, loving thoughts.
Maybe, even take some time to close your eyes and meditate on letting go of the anger and pain. If you don’t normally meditate; Just close your eyes for a few moments in a quite place. Try to let go of your thoughts for a moment. Now picture in your “minds eye” all the negative thoughts and anger leaving your head, like vapor evaporating from a pot, slowly but consistently, until there is no more to let go.
Do you feel better? If so, you did it right. You don’t even have to tell the person that you forgave them. The important thing is that you let it go, it no longer haunts you, it no longer consumes your thoughts. At this point you can either take steps to smooth things out with the person, and start from a healthier place…Or keep your distance if you have decided that was what was best for you. There is no right or wrong way to to do this. The right way is whatever works best for you.
If you realize you just don’t feel any better after STEP FIVE, then go back to STEP FOUR. You may just need more time, and that is OK. Remember….No pressure, this is at YOUR pace.
Once you feel confident that you have truly let go of this “in your head”, not just “in your words”. Once you realize that, rip up your paper from STEP ONE, maybe symbolically burn it, just something that helps you recognizes your accomplishment of putting this behind you. But, keep the other papers from STEPS TWO AND THREE. Just in case something comes up again with this person, and you want to go through this process again, you will still have all the more “positive” things saved.
Well, good luck. I hope this helps you let go of some of the negative feelings and thoughts that have been weighing hard on you.
If these steps have helped you, please leave a comment, I would love to hear your success stories.
June 29, 2007 at 4:01 am
great practical advice.but tough to follow. if u persist results assured.
June 29, 2007 at 11:22 am
Thanks for your comment. I agree, often the best things for ourselves, are the hardest to achieve.
July 24, 2007 at 9:44 pm
I like what you’ve written a great deal and/but am left wondering if part of the act of forgiving is also forgetting - really and truly letting it go and dismissing it from our minds?
Thoughts? Input?
July 24, 2007 at 10:19 pm
Hi “RubyShooZ” —
I guess if you can forget, that’s a great idea, but many times easier said than done. I also think, in a way, if we remember (but don’t hold onto anger) it can serve as a “life lesson” for us…Since many times are greatest lessons do come out of our greatest pain.
Thanks for your comment.
August 31, 2007 at 1:59 am
Catherine, this is very meaningful advice. If you haven’t yet read it, I believe you would enjoy Gary R. Renard’s book called, The Disappearance of the Universe (straight talk about illusions, past lives, religion, sex, politics and the miracles of forgiveness). Let me know what you think.
August 31, 2007 at 8:05 am
Thanks Liara, I haven’t read that book yet, but I think I will look it up on Amazon.com and see if I can get a copy.
September 12, 2007 at 1:53 am
Life is for giving! Anger is not for giving. You are shut down, arms crossed, lips closed, and not open for business. So, when you are angry you are normally not in a “for giving” mood. And, until you disolve the illusion of what you believe to be the fuel for your anger, you will remaining now willing to be in a “for giving mood.” Therefore, you are choosing to refuse to live life…not give of what you have so that you might learn more of what you are….Pretty silly way to live…huh?
September 22, 2007 at 6:08 am
The opposite of fear is love. Forgiveness is like the bridge, the road by which we can all learn that love is more powerful and enduring than fear. The belief you must lock yourself inside a mental prison, unreachable, incapable of reaching out or being reached, is your own self-created delusion. Rest assured, you can escape from fear to inner peace. Simply choose not to allow your mind to be limited by your sense of time and space. What you think has happened has no more far-reaching consequence than you decide to give it. Your feelings don’t have to control you.
September 22, 2007 at 7:53 am
So true, thanks Liara.
September 24, 2007 at 12:55 am
I agree with Liara…BUT I would add….and, this may sound a little strange…BUT, Love has no opposite. Fear is simply f-alse e-xpectations a-ppearing r-eal…For all intents and purposes fear is a lie we create about the circumstance with which we are trying not to deal with directly. Therefore fear is an illusion… nothing at all.
When we come to realize there is literally nothing beyond the love of which we are made we begin to realize why most of fear is quite disposable.
September 25, 2007 at 12:06 pm
[...] 3. Stop hating people in your life. If someone chooses to hate you, you do not have to choose to hate them back. When you allow yourself to hate anyone in your life (no matter how justified you feel), the person you hurt the most is yourself. Think about how much time we waste in a lifetime being angry or hating people? Life is too short to waste your energy on negative emotions. (Also see: article on Forgiveness) [...]
October 26, 2007 at 10:14 pm
[...] 3. Stop hating people in your life. If someone chooses to hate you, you do not have to choose to hate them back. When you allow yourself to hate anyone in your life (no matter how justified you feel), the person you hurt the most is yourself. Think about how much time we waste in a lifetime being angry or hating people? Life is too short to waste your energy on negative emotions. (Also see: article on Forgiveness) [...]
October 27, 2007 at 2:40 am
I believe we all can agree helping another to feel better about their lives comes with its rewards. Other than being a emotional response of their being something wrong, anger has little to offer anyone.
When we decide to be more helpful in our relationships with Self or other, One, you feel good about helping someone. Two, you feel good about having made a choice that says something about how you see yourself; an influence in creating for another a moment of happiness.
When you decided to focus on your message of geniunely helping more folks, while you might with some resistence (anger) of others who are not as confident about how you communicate your message, speaking your message comes with its rewards. Some of that reward could come in the form of a financial gain. And, if it does not the emotional confidence it feeds you is extraordinary in its staying power
Conversely, if I were to communicate a message of help, delivered in anger, for the sole purpose of asserting my superiority or self-interest, then my reasoning is flawed. In this instance, I am focusing not on helping another achieve excellence. I am helping someone focus on the inabilities and lack I percieve they possess. The only outcome of such a focus is failure in both the potential for a learning more about one’s Self and creating a lasting relationship with another.
In all of what we do we need to ask of ourselves “What is it we will to accomplish?” If we will to AVOID moments of sadness and pain, we will create moments of avoidable sadness and pain from which we choose to learn. If we will to meet our tried and true God-given gifts to know happiness, success, and potentiall a deeper relationship with God, we will learn from our mistakes in a effort do what Jesus would.
AngllhugnU2
Author of IM with God
November 25, 2007 at 6:21 pm
thank you for this article, i realized that i was getting stuck in accepting the fact that due to the act this person committed against me, there truly is no place in my life for him. that is hard to accept because there once was a place before i knew the truth. envisioning letting go of the hatred is an image that i must continue to challenge myself to bring forth when being bogged down by the “how could he” ’s and the “poor me” ’s…..thank you. this is the way to strength and forgiveness so that i can live my life.
January 5, 2008 at 5:16 pm
We are trying to go foward in life by not dwelling on the past anymore. Scott and I are working on being positive about things and trying to forgive and forget. Negativity has always run in my family and I am trying to steer away from being that way.
We try not to hold grudges against people. I am the kind of person who tries to see the good in people. If you Really want this person in your life, then you should try and work things out. Life is too short.